I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
