Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
