Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Four minutes until I can fart!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
