I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
