So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
