tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
