the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
