Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I touched a dick in church today
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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