You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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