Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
third nipple confirmed
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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