Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
