we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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