I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
