hotel room ftw
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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