I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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