The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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