we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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