i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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