ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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