Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
