I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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