it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize