You made me cry and you don't even care
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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