Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
