I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
