i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
