mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
