why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
