On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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