She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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