Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
