Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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