No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
