oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
