Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
