He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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