You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
