I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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