This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
