I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
