Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
