I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
love makes seman taste better
Farmville is her only friend.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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