After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
