Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
