We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
