Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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