ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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