The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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