Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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