She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
