I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Welp...herpes.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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