peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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