i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i just sent this text using only my big toe
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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