I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
