And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
