Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
