I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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