Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
