I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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