I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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