we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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