Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
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