"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
