I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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