I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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