Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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